Mary Beth Lawler Art Blog
A few days ago I caught a glimpse of myself in a store window. I was looking at a stranger, in many ways. I didn't look like myself. Not just the bald head, the expression on the face looking back at me. It was like an out of body experience. So much has happened so fast, sometimes I feel like Dorothy, whipped about in the funnel and unceremoniously dropped in a strange land and having to find her way home. I presumed my art work had all but stopped because I was tired, but now I think my work, my inspiration and motivation have dwindled because they belong to the other me. The "multi tasking, obsessively productive, run, run, run, until you drop" me. She is on retreat somewhere trying to learn yoga and kick caffeine. This me is using up every amount of energy available to defend myself against the radiation assaults and the last few insults from the chemotherapy. This disease has struck a deep blow to my vanity. The things I was most proud of, my long dark hair, my thick eyelashes and yes, my sturdy fingernails, are gone. I know they will grow back but long after I return to my "new old self" again I will always have this image of myself as I am now. A reminder of how things can change in an instant. In the last few days I have felt stronger and had more energy, which in turn makes me a lot more fun to be around. I am getting things accomplished and tidying up, which is a sure sign of the old me starting to making a comeback. In the next few months it will be very interesting to see what comes out of me, pick up where I left off or a new direction? Some people describe these kinds of events as their life being interrupted, hijacked or that they have lost time. I feel more like my perception was suddenly shifted (by a 2×4) forcing me to look away, look around, look again. Maybe it's one of the best things to have ever taken me by surprise.